Praise the Effort, but Make It Specific

Children need encouragement.

But imagine hearing “good job” after almost everything you do.

You finish homework. Good job.

Put away a toy. Good job.

Draw a picture. Good job.

Score a goal. Good job.

Eventually the words carry very little information.

What Specific Praise Sounds Like

Specific praise works differently.

• “You kept trying different ways to solve that.”
• “I noticed you checked your work before saying you were finished.”
• “You were frustrated, but you came back to it.”

Now the child knows what behaviour the adult valued.

This does not mean effort should be praised mechanically.

A child who spent thirty seconds on an assignment knows whether “You worked incredibly hard!” is true.

Useful encouragement should be honest.

Process Rather Than Identity

It can also focus on process rather than identity.

Compare:

“You're so smart.”

with:

“That was a difficult problem. What finally helped you solve it?”

The second version invites reflection.

It tells the child that strategies, choices and persistence can be examined and improved.

Where Results Fit In

Results still matter. Children should learn to care about quality.

But results are not always under their complete control.

The process often is.

When adults notice that process, mistakes become easier to discuss because feedback is no longer a verdict on the child.

It becomes information about what they did and what they might try next.

Sometimes “I'm proud of you” is exactly the right thing to say.

It simply does not have to be the only thing.

Sources & further reading

• American Academy of Pediatrics / HealthyChildren.org — Guidance on shaping and managing children's behaviour
• American Academy of Pediatrics / HealthyChildren.org — Perfectionism: How to Help Your Child Avoid the Pitfalls